Friday, March 14, 2014

Fan Donations to the National Football League on the Rise

Fan Donations to the National Football League on the Rise

14 March 2014
NEW YORK – Many American football fans may not realize that the National Football League (NFL) is not a corporation, but a tax-exempt organization.
But recently some real die-hard fans have been donating money to their beloved NFL, even though their donations are not tax-deductible.
“Football is my life,” says Wayne Smetsky of Green Bay, Wisconsin, who recently donated $500 to the NFL. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve watched football every Sunday. Watching football has brought me so many hours of happiness that I’m happy to give a little bit back to the league. Hell, they just gave me a raise to $9.50 an hour at my security guard job. And my parents don’t make me pay any rent to sleep in their basement, so I’m happy to share my good fortune and do my part to keep the NFL afloat.”
Greg Samsor of Washington, DC agrees. “My life would be totally meaningless without football. Sometimes I worry that some stupid head trauma class action suit will bankrupt the NFL. We GOT to keep the NFL going, so I’m willing to do my part.” Samsor donated $1,500 from his $5,000 savings account.
NFL spokesman John Manley admitted: “While the NFL is a tax-exempt organization, it is not a charity. We do not solicit donations. It is true that some fans have donated money to the league in recent years. The NFL promotes the great game of football! Our tax-exempt status allows us to pay the NFL Commissioner his well-deserved $30 million salary and meet other legitimate league expenses. If the NFL had to pay taxes, that would obviously hinder our ability to recruit top executive talent, such as the current Commissioner, who works very hard. This would impede our activities in promoting the great game of football.”
“I know that football players, coaches and owners make pretty good money,” said Sandy Fields, of Wichita, Kansas. “But I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross. With the NFL, I can clearly see where my money is going. Football defines what America is today, so it’s worth every penny. What has the Red Cross done lately? I haven’t seen them around much.”
Todd Swanson of Boston agrees: “While the few Americans who are not football fans may find donating to the League strange, the average American is actually grateful for all that the NFL has done for us. The NFL plays an important role in keeping people’s minds off the financial crisis and all of the wars in the Middle East.”
According to NFL spokesman Manley, the NFL has also kept up-to-date with the security requirements of America’s favorite sport.
“The NFL is also leading the way in welcoming the courageous officers of the TSA, as well as their universally-loved body scanner technology, into all its stadiums in the near future. Soon football fans of all ages can enjoy being scanned and have a moment of intimate physical contact as they enter to stadium to watch America’s favorite contact sport.”
“It’s reassuring to know that fans can watch NFL action without any fear that the boogie man or anyone else will jump out and get them. God bless America! And God bless the NFL!” concluded spokesman Manley.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Davos Billionaires “Underappreciated by the 99.999%”

Davos Billionaires “Underappreciated by the 99.999%”

 
31 January 2014
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND – The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually “unappreciated servants of humanity.”
“People don’t realize how difficult it is to gather in an isolated Swiss resort and reshape the world in our own image,” said Jean Godot of the Bank of International Settlements in Basel.
“If only the billions of starving, illiterate people in this world would send their ideas to us, we would seriously consider their suggestions from the comfort of our palatial Swiss mountain fortress. We genuinely wish to use our wealth and positions of influence to build a more just and equitable world.”
“It’s such a pity that the billions of low-income people around the world have difficulty articulating their needs with one voice,” lamented Godot. “We find it difficult to determine exactly how he could them.”
The agenda for this year’s WEF conference is "The Reshaping of the World: Consequences for Society, Politics and Business."
“We are trying our very best to redistribute wealth to the lower classes,” said Franz Gruber of the Bundesbank. “However, it remains difficult. Many individuals from the so-called ‘unwashed masses’ are very poor money managers. They buy lottery tickets. They eat processed foods laced with chemicals that make sick. They believe in stock tips that they see on television. They allow unscrupulous bankers to manage their pensions. So it’s almost impossible to lift them from their lowly station.”
“Yet we retain a genuine love for this so-called ‘couch potato’ class,” said Gruber. “They remain the backbone of our globalized labor force. We still find their services to be useful. Robots will not be able to replace them for another fifteen years or so. So they still have a voice.”
Davos attendees enjoyed the rare opportunity to dine on the last known specimens of a rare species of Austrian pheasant. Vegan attendees were offered virgin Mariana trench seaweed marinated in a 3D-printed truffle sauce. Others drank from a $75,000 bottle of 1938 Château Lafite Rothschild, documented to have been stored in Stalin’s private wine cellar during the 1945 Yalta Conference. 


Saturday, September 14, 2013

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Syria Banned from Eurovision Song Competition

Syria Banned from Eurovision Song Competition

Description: File:Eurovision 2004 Scoreboard.jpg

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration today restated its position that "Syria should never be admitted to the Eurovision Song Contest as long as President Assad remains in power."

President Hollande of France gave strong support to the US's hard-line against Syria, stating: "France has drawn a line in the sand and will resist any Syrian attempt to enter Eurovision with an iron fist."
Reputedly, Syria has been trying to enter the televised song contest for years, knowing Eurovision's central place in global culture outside the United States. 

Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack. 

The Syrian Minister for Culture, Hassim Ali, stated that: "It is not fair that we are not allowed to send our best pop kitsch band 'Kasbah Babies' to Eurovision. Israel and Azerbaijan get to go to Eurovision every year, why not Syria? We share a border with Israel. Jordan is eligible and they're not even on the Mediterranean."

"Damascus is the oldest inhabited city in the world. We are very civilized. The whole world will love 'Kasbah Babies.'  I promise you. The lead singer looks just like Miley Cyrus. Except she's Syrian. And she doesn't twerk."

Secretary of State John Kerry stated that:  "At this point, the world does not trust the opinion of the Syrian government about anything, especially about what constitutes the best pop song in Europe. The United States government has serious reservations about the catchiness and musical merit of the Syrian pop group 'Kasbah Babies.' And their lead singer looks nothing like Miley Cyrus. That is another Syrian lie."

"However, in the tragic event that Syria's Assad government falls due to some unforeseen happenstance, we would be willing to review our position on Syria's eligibility for Eurovision."
"We would like the Syrian people to consider these facts while considering who to support in the Syrian civil war."

Monday, August 12, 2013

World Leaders Vow to Resume Screwing Up the World after Summer Break

World Leaders Vow to Resume Screwing Up the World after Summer Break

GENEVA – Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.
"The world community has had a nice six-week break from our destructive policies," said an anonymous official for the European Central Bank. "But now it's almost time for us to get back to work, toying with with the economies of the Euro zone."
"People have grown indifferent to the many financial crises: Cyprus, Greece, Portugal. We will have to make things much worse just to produce the same level of general despair as before. It's exhausting."
Wallace White, a spokesman, for the Federal Reserve Bank agreed. "We find it odd that the whole world isn't obsessed more with our policies. We will have to take everyone on a wild ride in order to get the sort of attention that we crave."
"Will we raise interest rates? Will we taper our quantitative easing policy, or were we just kidding to spook the markets? Boo! Ha ha. It's all I can think about."

Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

   


If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
Much like the Five Stages of Grieving over death, the Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief shows the natural phases that individuals go through after learning that the US government has had complete access to all their electronic communications for many years.

1. Denial

Despite the articles about ECHELON network published since at least 1999, many individuals have convinced themselves that there is no way the US government could even have computer servers large enough to hold all of this information.
Individuals are commonly in denial that this really is possible. "You mean the government can read all my emails and no one in the media has told us until now? Where were the New York Times or the Washington Post, leading the charge for freedom, exposing the government for surveillance on its citizens that far exceeds anything George Orwell or Richard Nixon could ever dream of?" 
Others have believed that their clever Facebook usernames or avatars in other online environments would be enough to fool any snoopers and so preserve their online anonymity. Still others have maintained a touching belief in US Constitutional safeguards, despite the loss of so many other civil liberties since 9/11.
However, since the Snowden revelations (however tame they seem to some), it's hard to stay in the denial phase. Yes, Virginia: the NSA really does know everything that you do online.  

2. Anger

After learning that the government has been logging your every email, text message and phone call, just in case, some individuals grow angry and say things like "This is unjust!" or "This is illegal."
Others say: "I'm moving to Canada." Then they realize Canada is equally under NSA surveillance, so there's really nowhere they can go to enjoy secure electronic communications. They must live out the rest of the days like a rat in a maze, while the US government and friendly telecommunications corporations watch their every move. Some people are actually infuriated by this, as they once enjoyed the delicious illusion that their communications were sacrosanct.
More entrepreneurial-minded people even vow to take steps in order empower themselves. Some consider starting their own Big Data company to get in on the action. After all, if you can't beat them, join them. Once you have collected enough personal data about other consumers, you will be a player in the corporate surveillance game, with all rights and benefits accruing to you, and none of the responsibility.
Unfortunately, for many people starting a Big Data company to compete with Facebook or Google is beyond their means.
So others make ludicrous vows, such as that they won't use the Internet anymore, until they realize that they have been wasting their entire lives on the internet for years now, and they have very little life outside it.

3. Bargaining

The anger phase often gives way to the bargaining phase, as the newly enlightened individual realizes that he must compromise with the "new" situation.
Some people resolve to be more discreet with their Facebook postings (e.g., don't post anything in favor of the Occupy movement as this is an obvious red flag).
Others realize that they should not bring their mobile phone (which tracks their every move) along with them if they intend to do anything illegal (e.g., play poker at a friends' house and not declare their winnings on their tax return), or do anything simply compromising (e.g., visit their mistress without their wife's approval).
Bargaining is a healthy stage, as the newly awake individual is blindly groping his way toward acceptance of the Orwellian superstate.

4. Depression

Unfortunately, after the bargaining phase, many people regress into depression. For many it is sad for them to learn that their supposed Constitutional right to be "secure in their persons and their papers" was just a big lie to keep them participating in a system that forces them to work fifty weeks per year, and stay connected (via their smart phone naturally) with their employer most during nights, weekends and holidays as well.  
Many people treat their depression with anti-depressant medication, which often helps move them to the next phase: acceptance.

5. Acceptance

Most people simply come to accept that there's not a damn thing they can do about it. If all electronic communications are caught in a government dragnet, their best option is just lay low, keep their mouths shut, and pray that they are not on some government watch list for daring to criticize the U.S.'s 2003 unilateral invasion of Iraq, for example.  
Coincidentally, this is exactly the behavior that the government is looking for, showing the effectiveness of the system, and how the Acceptance phase is Win/Win for both individuals and the government alike.
Some people try to show their patriotism by claiming that they have always accepted government surveillance and even want it go farther. Why not put government cameras in our homes? You don't have anything to hide, do you? You don't mind if smart TV's keep on an eye on you to make sure you're not a terrorist, do you? If you do mind, then perhaps you are a terrorist.
For some people the worst part of the Acceptance phase is accepting that some wormy conspiracy theorist they know has been right about this for years, and will probably say I Told You So, at the first chance. That's the absolute worst part, far worse than the government knowing that you really like videos about Chinese women with really large buttocks.
For many, the good news is that they have nothing to hide after all. Unless you have cheated on your spouse, cheated on your taxes, or disagreed with any US government policies in last twelve years, then the government's knowledge of your every digital move is little cause for alarm. It's not like they have enough drones to attack everyone, so people who keep quiet will stay low on the government's priority list.

Conclusion

Realizing that the NSA basically knows everywhere you have gone (or at least your mobile phone has gone), and everyone you have called, texted, emailed, or messaged for years, can be disturbing at first.
However, just as people learn to accept the inevitably of death, so can people learn to live with the inevitability that using modern electronic communications infrastructure is more like broadcasting yourself to the world than sending a privileged communiqué sealed with diplomatic immunity.
We hope that you can join countless others and move to the acceptance phase. Anger and denial are temporary phases that most people can learn to outgrow.

Friday, May 24, 2013



Scientists Discover Stoner Gene


CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS - Doctors at the prestigious Massachusetts Medical Research Labs (MMRL) have announced their discovery of a “stoner gene”—a genetic sequence that predisposes people to seek out the THC high that comes from smoking or ingesting marijuana or hashish.
The study of 1,000 middle-aged stoners in the greater Boston area revealed that all 1,000 subjects in the study had an identical genetic marker, informally dubbed by researchers as the “stoner gene.”
From the control group, none of the 1,000 middle-aged “squares” (non-cannabis users) had this marker in their DNA sequences.
Dr. William Chong of MMRL explained the study: “These findings are nearly incontrovertible. Just as certain genetic markers predetermine an individual’s lifetime sexual orientation or likelihood to become an alcoholic, now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to want to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies. Meanwhile, most people will find the destruction of millions of their precious brain cells to be a ridiculous waste of time.”
“Many people go through a phase as teenagers or young adults where they want to smoke marijuana. However, most people outgrow this phase, and later come to see their earlier behavior as immature. They simply don’t have the stoner gene,” concluded Dr. Chong.
“But others are inclined to buy bags of weed their entire lives, listen to Pink Floyd, and watch The Big Lebowski more than twenty times even into their forties, fifties, and sixties. These are not learned or conditioned behaviors. It’s genetic!”
“This study helps convince us that it is wrong to punish marijuana users for behavior that is genetically programmed. Many marijuana users simply cannot control their attraction to the marijuana plant. Thus, marijuana should be legal nationwide, at least for people who are confirmed to carry this genetic marker.”
Dr. Chong confirmed that many medical researchers also served as subjects in the study. “Some of the doctors working here at the MMRL volunteered to take part in the study. Some of them turned out to be habitual stoners. They were happy to discover that their behavior was genetically predetermined.”
One anonymous MMRL doctor stated: “I was really happy when Massachusetts became a medical marijuana state and I could start writing myself prescriptions for high-quality weed, without having to resort to the black market to fulfill my genetically pre-programmed impulse to enjoy THC-induced euphoria.”
“But I have often felt such guilt and shame for my years of secretly smoking bongs after my wife and kids went to bed. Now I feel like the stigma of toking up is gone. I can be myself and live free. This is a great day for stoner liberation!”
Not everyone was enthusiastic about the new findings.
State Senator Slim Boyd, Republican from Alabama, complained: “This is just what is wrong with society: using dubious medical research from stoner Yankee doctors to normalize otherwise aberrant behavior. What’s next? Next they will discover a ‘murder gene’ and say that murderers can’t help themselves and so they shouldn’t be punished. This is a sad day for America.”