Davos Billionaires “Underappreciated by the 99.999%”
31 January 2014
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND – The delegates to the annual World
Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are
actually “unappreciated servants of humanity.”
“People don’t realize how difficult it is to gather in an
isolated Swiss resort and reshape the world in our own image,” said Jean Godot
of the Bank of International Settlements in Basel.
“If only the billions of starving, illiterate people in this
world would send their ideas to us, we would seriously consider their
suggestions from the comfort of our palatial Swiss mountain fortress. We
genuinely wish to use our wealth and positions of influence to build a more
just and equitable world.”
“It’s such a pity that the billions of low-income people
around the world have difficulty articulating their needs with one voice,”
lamented Godot. “We find it difficult to determine exactly how he could them.”
The agenda for this year’s WEF conference is "The
Reshaping of the World: Consequences for Society, Politics and Business."
“We are trying our very best to redistribute wealth to the
lower classes,” said Franz Gruber of the Bundesbank. “However, it remains
difficult. Many individuals from the so-called ‘unwashed masses’ are very poor
money managers. They buy lottery tickets. They eat processed foods laced with
chemicals that make sick. They believe in stock tips that they see on
television. They allow unscrupulous bankers to manage their pensions. So it’s almost
impossible to lift them from their lowly station.”
“Yet we retain a genuine love for this so-called ‘couch
potato’ class,” said Gruber. “They remain the backbone of our globalized labor
force. We still find their services to be useful. Robots will not be able to
replace them for another fifteen years or so. So they still have a voice.”
Davos attendees enjoyed the rare opportunity to dine on the
last known specimens of a rare species of Austrian pheasant. Vegan attendees
were offered virgin Mariana trench seaweed marinated in a 3D-printed truffle
sauce. Others drank from a $75,000 bottle of 1938 Château Lafite Rothschild,
documented to have been stored in Stalin’s private wine cellar during the 1945
Yalta Conference.
