Scientists Discover Stoner Gene

by Dan Geddes

The Satirist: http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Scientists_Discover_Stoner_Gene__20130524.html

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS - Doctors at the prestigious Massachusetts Medical Research Labs (MMRL) have announced their discovery of a “stoner gene”—a genetic sequence that predisposes people to seek out the THC high that comes from smoking or ingesting marijuana or hashish.

The study of 1,000 middle-aged stoners in the greater Boston area revealed that all 1,000 subjects in the study had an identical genetic marker, informally dubbed by researchers as the “stoner gene.”

From the control group, none of the 1,000 middle-aged “squares” (non-cannabis users) had this marker in their DNA sequences.

Dr. William Chong of MMRL explained the study: “These findings are nearly incontrovertible. Just as certain genetic markers predetermine an individual’s lifetime sexual orientation or likelihood to become an alcoholic, now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to want to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies. Meanwhile, most people will find the destruction of millions of their precious brain cells to be a ridiculous waste of time.”

“Many people go through a phase as teenagers or young adults where they want to smoke marijuana. However, most people outgrow this phase, and later come to see their earlier behavior as immature. They simply don’t have the stoner gene,” concluded Dr. Chong.

“But others are inclined to buy bags of weed their entire lives, listen to Pink Floyd, and watch The Big Lebowski more than twenty times even into their forties, fifties, and sixties. These are not learned or conditioned behaviors. It’s genetic!”

“This study helps convince us that it is wrong to punish marijuana users for behavior that is genetically programmed. Many marijuana users simply cannot control their attraction to the marijuana plant. Thus, marijuana should be legal nationwide, at least for people who are confirmed to carry this genetic marker.”

Dr. Chong confirmed that many medical researchers also served as subjects in the study. “Some of the doctors working here at the MMRL volunteered to take part in the study. Some of them turned out to be habitual stoners. They were happy to discover that their behavior was genetically predetermined.”

One anonymous MMRL doctor stated: “I was really happy when Massachusetts became a medical marijuana state and I could start writing myself prescriptions for high-quality weed, without having to resort to the black market to fulfill my genetically pre-programmed impulse to enjoy THC-induced euphoria.”

“But I have often felt such guilt and shame for my years of secretly smoking bongs after my wife and kids went to bed. Now I feel like the stigma of toking up is gone. I can be myself and live free. This is a great day for stoner liberation!”

Not everyone was enthusiastic about the new findings.

State Senator Slim Boyd, Republican from Alabama, complained: “This is just what is wrong with society: using dubious medical research from stoner Yankee doctors to normalize otherwise aberrant behavior. What’s next? Next they will discover a ‘murder gene’ and say that murderers can’t help themselves and so they shouldn’t be punished. This is a sad day for America.”

 

This is 40: Judd Apatow's Home Movie Magnum Opus

Paul Rudd ... Pete

Leslie Man ... Debbie

Albert Brooks ... Larry

John Lithgow ... Oliver

Written and directed by Judd Apatow

 

Review by Dan Geddes

This is 40 is a moderately entertaining Judd Apatow comedy about a married couple facing the difficulties of life as they face their fortieth birthdays.
Peter (Rudd) is a Viagra-taking, cupcake gobbling, indepedent music producer married to Debbie (Mann), a beautiful, funny woman who runs a clothing boutique. While appearances suggest they have everything a contemporary American couple could want (good looks, a beautiful house, two daughters, and an affluent Southern California lifestyle) problems lurk beneath. These characters appeared in Apatow's hit movie Knocked Up, making This is 40 a "spin-off sequel."
Peter has been taking Viagra, a revelation which horrifies Debbie, who doesn't want to admit that they're aging. Debbie lies to doctors about her age and is worried that she's losing her looks.
They also have financial issues. Peter's independent music label is not really making any money. Debbie's boutique is missing $12,000. Peter's sixty year old father (Brooks) has been sponging off Peter. The Brooks character is too lazy to look for work or take care of the three young sons he inexplicably fathered after his wife took fertility treatments.
It's hard to take Peter and Debbie's problems too seriously; we're not that worried about them. They don't really seem too concerned about cutting back on their spending. To break out of their funk, they go on an overnight stay in a beautiful hotel, where they eat a lot of marijuana-laced cookies, order every piece of cake on the room service menu, and smear it on each other while a room service waiter looks at them like they're weirdo's.
Debbie suspects that her sexy boutique employee (Megan Fox) has stolen $12,000 from her. But she's not that angry or that concerned about it. She calmly goes on a night out with her, where they dance to hip-hop music and flirt with team members from the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team.
Peter has a super cool job as the head of his own independent record label, where he produces the swan-song albums of rock artists who enjoyed a limited cache in the 1970s (Graham Parker). Earlier he spent $30,000 for an indoor neon sign with the name of his company. He spends $12,000 to fly in Parker's band for a reunion concert that few attend.
Peter somehow has managed to lend $80,000 to his layabout father (Albert Brooks) without Debbie finding out. Peter pays an accountant to manage his finances, but still he's missed a mortgage payment. Debbie pays for a personal trainer.
So it's difficult to sympathize with the financial problems of characters who have no concept of frugality and seem to take all the amenities of a vain, affluent Southern California American lifestyle as their birthright.
Their financial problems are an artificial distraction anyway. Peter and Debbie are clearly modelled after Apatow himself and his real-life wife, Leslie Mann, who essentially plays herself. To give his stand-in character more problems, Apatow makes Peter into a struggling music producer instead of a successful Hollywood writer-director-producer; this is wise; as it would be even harder to sympathize with these characters if they were financially secure, in addition to all their other good fortune. Stories require conflicts, so their financial problems feel manufactured to create the impression that Peter and Debbie have problems in all aspects of their lives (financial, sexual, parenting, their relations with their own parents, their friends, etc.).

Read the rest of the review at http://www.thesatirist.com/films/This_Is_40.html

Interview with a Satirist: Dan Geddes

"Writing long books is a laborious and impoverishing act of foolishness: expanding in five hundred pages an idea that could be perfectly explained in a few minutes. A better procedure is to pretend that those books already exist and to offer a summary, a commentary."
— Jorge Luis Borges

Interview by D.P. Ganger

Why is The Satirist: (vol 1.) subtitled "America's Most Critical Book".

The Satirist online has been called "America's Most Critical Journal" since 1999. Other websites were already calling themselves the funniest or most hilarious, but The Satirist would be different; it would be the "most critical." Not the "most critical of America," just the most critical in general.

And The Satirist is actually more of a criticism site, a book review site than a satire site, when you see what people are reading. At least 70% of the pageviews are for the serious pieces about books or movies or whatever. So it is critical in the sense of featuring articles of serious criticism in addition to satire, which is also critical but in a different sense.

Read the rest of the interview at http://www.thesatirist.com/_thesatirist_admin/Interview_with_The_Satirist.html 

Life Remains Meaningless Until Next Apple Product Launch

By Dan Geddes, 

The Satirist http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Apple_Product_Release.html 

PALO ALTO - For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.

John Roswell, 28, of San Francisco lamented: “I haven’t been able to lord my technological superiority over my friends for more than six months now, since I bought an Ipad Mini last fall. I just can’t wait any longer for the new Apple TV, the iWatch, the iRadio, the next iPhone. Anything. What the hell is Apple doing? I keep going to the Apple store, but the ‘geniuses’ there don’t know anything. What the f-!”

March 2013 was the first March in many years that did not bring a major Apple product announcement.

Sandy Vu, 23 of New York complained: “Some of my Google Android friends are starting to get a little uppity, saying their Samsung Galaxy 5 is better than my iPhone, just because it has a bigger screen. Or even that Google’s Ice Cream Sandwich is a more user-friendly operating system than Apple’s iOS! But was Android designed by Steve Jobs, a universally loved and recognized super genius? I think not. I think people are a little cheap to not buy the best technology that money can buy. Samsung is just crappy Chinese technology.” (Editor’s note: Samsung is a South Korean company, not Chinese. And it’s not crappy.)

Martha Lanyard, 45, of Boston confessed: “I have to admit I’ve been very depressed about the lack of a new Apple product. It’s been ages. Life seems sort of meaningless to me now. My doctor has upped all my meds, but nothing has helped. My iPhone 4S is getting discolored from use. I’m trying to hold out on replacing it until the next major upgrade, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait!”

“For God’s sake, Apple! Spend some of that $140 billion you have in the bank and make something! We’re dying here. We’ll all on the brink. What I’m really waiting for them to make is a better, Apple version of myself, probably as a robot. I’d call it the iMe.”


 Read the rest of the story at The Satirist http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Apple_Product_Release.html  

Support the Troops: US Troops to Be Quartered in Private Homes

 

By Dan Geddes, The Satirist

WASHINGTON - The Obama Administration announced today its new policy of quartering US troops and domestic security agents in private residences "for the safety of the people in these dangerous times."

Known as "Support the Troops," President Obama himself announced the new Executive Order.

"Let me be clear. This is a time of great national danger. The most effective way to stop another 9/11 or Newtown massacre before it starts is to move troops into private homes where they can protect the people right where they live."

"A large number of crimes are committed, planned and imagined in private residences every day. Why should we stand idly by while this happens? We must take pre-emptive action now, before it is too late."

Obama Administration spokesman Philip Frost provided more details: "The presence of troops and Stateside Security agents in private homes will deter people from crimes such as cheating on their taxes, illegally downloading videos, or planning to attend any future Occupy-style protests that may or may not occur."

Frost continued: "We would like to stress the voluntary nature of this program. When the US military and SWAT teams show up on your door requesting accommodation in full battle regalia, you may of course choose to opt out of the program."

Read the rest of the story at http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Support_the_Troops__20130401.html

Conservatives and Liberals Still Convinced They Can Convert Each Other

 

By Dan Geddes

WASHINGTON  -  A new poll of 1,000 American adults reveals that both conservatives and liberals believe it is possible to "convert" other people to change their political orientation.

The recent Gallmausen poll found that more than 63% of Americans believe that they can convince other people to adopt their position through such rhetorical tactics as shouting at them, incessantly repeating themselves, and vicious name-calling.

One conservative, Joe, 45, commented on the poll: "Yeah, it's possible that some libtards are redeemable, if you dig deep enough. I mean, I know they're mostly thick-headed idiots, but even dogs understand things if you repeat it enough times. So there must be hope for these liberal wingnuts, God willing."

Joe continued: "And personally, I think that they secretly find it funny when we call them libtards. It's like 'liberal' and 'retard' combined. Libtard. Hilarious! How can you argue with that?"

An average liberal, Suzie, 34, also reacted to the poll: "Despite their general lack of education, I still hope that if conservatives could just comprehend my message of strident idealism, hipper-than-thou cultural references and utter disdain for their ridiculous religious beliefs, then they would be converted to the progressive cause. They would finally see the light and drop their troglodytic homophobia and 18th century gun fetish."

While many political pundits lament the appalling decline in American political discourse during the past thirty years, it is reassuring that so many Americans still believe political discussion is worthwhile.

Read the rest at http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Conservatives_Liberals__20130329.html

"Drones May Not Attack Banks" says new US Drone Czar

Drones May Not Attack Banks, says new US Drone Czar. Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.