#Borowitz Report Shocker - #Borowitz Writes Fake News Headline that Does Not Contain the Word #Shocker

#Borowitz Report Shocker - #Borowitz Writes Fake News Headline that Does Not Contain the Word #Shocker
— Dan Geddes (@dangeddes) September 14, 2013

Syria Banned from Eurovision Song Competition

By Dan Geddes

Source: http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Syria_Banned_from_EuroVision.html

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration today restated its position that "Syria should never be admitted to the Eurovision Song Contest as long as President Assad remains in power."

President Hollande of France gave strong support to the US's hard-line against Syria, stating: "France has drawn a line in the sand and will resist any Syrian attempt to enter Eurovision with an iron fist."

Reputedly, Syria has been trying to enter the televised song contest for years, knowing Eurovision's central place in global culture outside the United States. 

Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack. 

The Syrian Minister for Culture, Hassim Ali, stated that: "It is not fair that we are not allowed to send our best pop kitsch band 'Kasbah Babies' to Eurovision. Israel and Azerbaijan get to go to Eurovision every year, why not Syria? We share a border with Israel. Jordan is eligible and they're not even on the Mediterranean."

"Damascus is the oldest inhabited city in the world. We are very civilized. The whole world will love 'Kasbah Babies.'  I promise you. The lead singer looks just like Miley Cyrus. Except she's Syrian. And she doesn't twerk."

Secretary of State John Kerry stated that:  "At this point, the world does not trust the opinion of the Syrian government about anything, especially about what constitutes the best pop song in Europe. The United States government has serious reservations about the catchiness and musical merit of the Syrian pop group 'Kasbah Babies.' And their lead singer looks nothing like Miley Cyrus. That is another Syrian lie."

"However, in the tragic event that Syria's Assad government falls due to some unforeseen happenstance, we would be willing to review our position on Syria's eligibility for Eurovision."

"We would like the Syrian people to consider these facts while considering who to support in the Syrian civil war."

World Leaders Vow to Resume Screwing Up the World after Summer Break

By Dan Geddes

GENEVA – Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.

"The world community has had a nice six-week break from our destructive policies," said an anonymous official for the European Central Bank. "But now it's almost time for us to get back to work, toying with with the economies of the Euro zone."

"People have grown indifferent to the many financial crises: Cyprus, Greece, Portugal. We will have to make things much worse just to produce the same level of general despair as before. It's exhausting."

Wallace White, a spokesman, for the Federal Reserve Bank agreed. "We find it odd that the whole world isn't obsessed more with our policies. We will have to take everyone on a wild ride in order to get the sort of attention that we crave."

"Will we raise interest rates? Will we taper our quantitative easing policy, or were we just kidding to spook the markets? Boo! Ha ha. It's all I can think about."

Read the rest at http://www.thesatirist.com/news/World_Leaders_to_Mess_Up_World__20130812.html

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

   

By Dan Geddes

The Satirist: http://www.thesatirist.com/satires/5_Stages_NSA_Grief.html 

If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.

Much like the Five Stages of Grieving over death, the Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief shows the natural phases that individuals go through after learning that the US government has had complete access to all their electronic communications for many years.

1. Denial

Despite the articles about ECHELON network published since at least 1999, many individuals have convinced themselves that there is no way the US government could even have computer servers large enough to hold all of this information.

Individuals are commonly in denial that this really is possible. "You mean the government can read all my emails and no one in the media has told us until now? Where were the New York Times or the Washington Post, leading the charge for freedom, exposing the government for surveillance on its citizens that far exceeds anything George Orwell or Richard Nixon could ever dream of?" 

Others have believed that their clever Facebook usernames or avatars in other online environments would be enough to fool any snoopers and so preserve their online anonymity. Still others have maintained a touching belief in US Constitutional safeguards, despite the loss of so many other civil liberties since 9/11.

However, since the Snowden revelations (however tame they seem to some), it's hard to stay in the denial phase. Yes, Virginia: the NSA really does know everything that you do online.  

2. Anger

After learning that the government has been logging your every email, text message and phone call, just in case, some individuals grow angry and say things like "This is unjust!" or "This is illegal."

Others say: "I'm moving to Canada." Then they realize Canada is equally under NSA surveillance, so there's really nowhere they can go to enjoy secure electronic communications. They must live out the rest of the days like a rat in a maze, while the US government and friendly telecommunications corporations watch their every move. Some people are actually infuriated by this, as they once enjoyed the delicious illusion that their communications were sacrosanct.

More entrepreneurial-minded people even vow to take steps in order empower themselves. Some consider starting their own Big Data company to get in on the action. After all, if you can't beat them, join them. Once you have collected enough personal data about other consumers, you will be a player in the corporate surveillance game, with all rights and benefits accruing to you, and none of the responsibility.

Unfortunately, for many people starting a Big Data company to compete with Facebook or Google is beyond their means.

So others make ludicrous vows, such as that they won't use the Internet anymore, until they realize that they have been wasting their entire lives on the internet for years now, and they have very little life outside it.

3. Bargaining

The anger phase often gives way to the bargaining phase, as the newly enlightened individual realizes that he must compromise with the "new" situation.

Some people resolve to be more discreet with their Facebook postings (e.g., don't post anything in favor of the Occupy movement as this is an obvious red flag).

Others realize that they should not bring their mobile phone (which tracks their every move) along with them if they intend to do anything illegal (e.g., play poker at a friends' house and not declare their winnings on their tax return), or do anything simply compromising (e.g., visit their mistress without their wife's approval).

Bargaining is a healthy stage, as the newly awake individual is blindly groping his way toward acceptance of the Orwellian superstate.

4. Depression

Unfortunately, after the bargaining phase, many people regress into depression. For many it is sad for them to learn that their supposed Constitutional right to be "secure in their persons and their papers" was just a big lie to keep them participating in a system that forces them to work fifty weeks per year, and stay connected (via their smart phone naturally) with their employer most during nights, weekends and holidays as well.  

Many people treat their depression with anti-depressant medication, which often helps move them to the next phase: acceptance.

5. Acceptance

Most people simply come to accept that there's not a damn thing they can do about it. If all electronic communications are caught in a government dragnet, their best option is just lay low, keep their mouths shut, and pray that they are not on some government watch list for daring to criticize the U.S.'s 2003 unilateral invasion of Iraq, for example.  

Coincidentally, this is exactly the behavior that the government is looking for, showing the effectiveness of the system, and how the Acceptance phase is Win/Win for both individuals and the government alike.

Some people try to show their patriotism by claiming that they have always accepted government surveillance and even want it go farther. Why not put government cameras in our homes? You don't have anything to hide, do you? You don't mind if smart TV's keep on an eye on you to make sure you're not a terrorist, do you? If you do mind, then perhaps you are a terrorist.

For some people the worst part of the Acceptance phase is accepting that some wormy conspiracy theorist they know has been right about this for years, and will probably say I Told You So, at the first chance. That's the absolute worst part, far worse than the government knowing that you really like videos about Chinese women with really large buttocks.

For many, the good news is that they have nothing to hide after all. Unless you have cheated on your spouse, cheated on your taxes, or disagreed with any US government policies in last twelve years, then the government's knowledge of your every digital move is little cause for alarm. It's not like they have enough drones to attack everyone, so people who keep quiet will stay low on the government's priority list.

Conclusion

Realizing that the NSA basically knows everywhere you have gone (or at least your mobile phone has gone), and everyone you have called, texted, emailed, or messaged for years, can be disturbing at first.

However, just as people learn to accept the inevitably of death, so can people learn to live with the inevitability that using modern electronic communications infrastructure is more like broadcasting yourself to the world than sending a privileged communiqué sealed with diplomatic immunity.

We hope that you can join countless others and move to the acceptance phase. Anger and denial are temporary phases that most people can learn to outgrow.

Scientists Discover Stoner Gene

by Dan Geddes

The Satirist: http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Scientists_Discover_Stoner_Gene__20130524.html

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS - Doctors at the prestigious Massachusetts Medical Research Labs (MMRL) have announced their discovery of a “stoner gene”—a genetic sequence that predisposes people to seek out the THC high that comes from smoking or ingesting marijuana or hashish.

The study of 1,000 middle-aged stoners in the greater Boston area revealed that all 1,000 subjects in the study had an identical genetic marker, informally dubbed by researchers as the “stoner gene.”

From the control group, none of the 1,000 middle-aged “squares” (non-cannabis users) had this marker in their DNA sequences.

Dr. William Chong of MMRL explained the study: “These findings are nearly incontrovertible. Just as certain genetic markers predetermine an individual’s lifetime sexual orientation or likelihood to become an alcoholic, now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to want to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies. Meanwhile, most people will find the destruction of millions of their precious brain cells to be a ridiculous waste of time.”

“Many people go through a phase as teenagers or young adults where they want to smoke marijuana. However, most people outgrow this phase, and later come to see their earlier behavior as immature. They simply don’t have the stoner gene,” concluded Dr. Chong.

“But others are inclined to buy bags of weed their entire lives, listen to Pink Floyd, and watch The Big Lebowski more than twenty times even into their forties, fifties, and sixties. These are not learned or conditioned behaviors. It’s genetic!”

“This study helps convince us that it is wrong to punish marijuana users for behavior that is genetically programmed. Many marijuana users simply cannot control their attraction to the marijuana plant. Thus, marijuana should be legal nationwide, at least for people who are confirmed to carry this genetic marker.”

Dr. Chong confirmed that many medical researchers also served as subjects in the study. “Some of the doctors working here at the MMRL volunteered to take part in the study. Some of them turned out to be habitual stoners. They were happy to discover that their behavior was genetically predetermined.”

One anonymous MMRL doctor stated: “I was really happy when Massachusetts became a medical marijuana state and I could start writing myself prescriptions for high-quality weed, without having to resort to the black market to fulfill my genetically pre-programmed impulse to enjoy THC-induced euphoria.”

“But I have often felt such guilt and shame for my years of secretly smoking bongs after my wife and kids went to bed. Now I feel like the stigma of toking up is gone. I can be myself and live free. This is a great day for stoner liberation!”

Not everyone was enthusiastic about the new findings.

State Senator Slim Boyd, Republican from Alabama, complained: “This is just what is wrong with society: using dubious medical research from stoner Yankee doctors to normalize otherwise aberrant behavior. What’s next? Next they will discover a ‘murder gene’ and say that murderers can’t help themselves and so they shouldn’t be punished. This is a sad day for America.”

 

This is 40: Judd Apatow's Home Movie Magnum Opus

Paul Rudd ... Pete

Leslie Man ... Debbie

Albert Brooks ... Larry

John Lithgow ... Oliver

Written and directed by Judd Apatow

 

Review by Dan Geddes

This is 40 is a moderately entertaining Judd Apatow comedy about a married couple facing the difficulties of life as they face their fortieth birthdays.
Peter (Rudd) is a Viagra-taking, cupcake gobbling, indepedent music producer married to Debbie (Mann), a beautiful, funny woman who runs a clothing boutique. While appearances suggest they have everything a contemporary American couple could want (good looks, a beautiful house, two daughters, and an affluent Southern California lifestyle) problems lurk beneath. These characters appeared in Apatow's hit movie Knocked Up, making This is 40 a "spin-off sequel."
Peter has been taking Viagra, a revelation which horrifies Debbie, who doesn't want to admit that they're aging. Debbie lies to doctors about her age and is worried that she's losing her looks.
They also have financial issues. Peter's independent music label is not really making any money. Debbie's boutique is missing $12,000. Peter's sixty year old father (Brooks) has been sponging off Peter. The Brooks character is too lazy to look for work or take care of the three young sons he inexplicably fathered after his wife took fertility treatments.
It's hard to take Peter and Debbie's problems too seriously; we're not that worried about them. They don't really seem too concerned about cutting back on their spending. To break out of their funk, they go on an overnight stay in a beautiful hotel, where they eat a lot of marijuana-laced cookies, order every piece of cake on the room service menu, and smear it on each other while a room service waiter looks at them like they're weirdo's.
Debbie suspects that her sexy boutique employee (Megan Fox) has stolen $12,000 from her. But she's not that angry or that concerned about it. She calmly goes on a night out with her, where they dance to hip-hop music and flirt with team members from the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team.
Peter has a super cool job as the head of his own independent record label, where he produces the swan-song albums of rock artists who enjoyed a limited cache in the 1970s (Graham Parker). Earlier he spent $30,000 for an indoor neon sign with the name of his company. He spends $12,000 to fly in Parker's band for a reunion concert that few attend.
Peter somehow has managed to lend $80,000 to his layabout father (Albert Brooks) without Debbie finding out. Peter pays an accountant to manage his finances, but still he's missed a mortgage payment. Debbie pays for a personal trainer.
So it's difficult to sympathize with the financial problems of characters who have no concept of frugality and seem to take all the amenities of a vain, affluent Southern California American lifestyle as their birthright.
Their financial problems are an artificial distraction anyway. Peter and Debbie are clearly modelled after Apatow himself and his real-life wife, Leslie Mann, who essentially plays herself. To give his stand-in character more problems, Apatow makes Peter into a struggling music producer instead of a successful Hollywood writer-director-producer; this is wise; as it would be even harder to sympathize with these characters if they were financially secure, in addition to all their other good fortune. Stories require conflicts, so their financial problems feel manufactured to create the impression that Peter and Debbie have problems in all aspects of their lives (financial, sexual, parenting, their relations with their own parents, their friends, etc.).

Read the rest of the review at http://www.thesatirist.com/films/This_Is_40.html

Interview with a Satirist: Dan Geddes

"Writing long books is a laborious and impoverishing act of foolishness: expanding in five hundred pages an idea that could be perfectly explained in a few minutes. A better procedure is to pretend that those books already exist and to offer a summary, a commentary."
— Jorge Luis Borges

Interview by D.P. Ganger

Why is The Satirist: (vol 1.) subtitled "America's Most Critical Book".

The Satirist online has been called "America's Most Critical Journal" since 1999. Other websites were already calling themselves the funniest or most hilarious, but The Satirist would be different; it would be the "most critical." Not the "most critical of America," just the most critical in general.

And The Satirist is actually more of a criticism site, a book review site than a satire site, when you see what people are reading. At least 70% of the pageviews are for the serious pieces about books or movies or whatever. So it is critical in the sense of featuring articles of serious criticism in addition to satire, which is also critical but in a different sense.

Read the rest of the interview at http://www.thesatirist.com/_thesatirist_admin/Interview_with_The_Satirist.html 

Life Remains Meaningless Until Next Apple Product Launch

By Dan Geddes, 

The Satirist http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Apple_Product_Release.html 

PALO ALTO - For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.

John Roswell, 28, of San Francisco lamented: “I haven’t been able to lord my technological superiority over my friends for more than six months now, since I bought an Ipad Mini last fall. I just can’t wait any longer for the new Apple TV, the iWatch, the iRadio, the next iPhone. Anything. What the hell is Apple doing? I keep going to the Apple store, but the ‘geniuses’ there don’t know anything. What the f-!”

March 2013 was the first March in many years that did not bring a major Apple product announcement.

Sandy Vu, 23 of New York complained: “Some of my Google Android friends are starting to get a little uppity, saying their Samsung Galaxy 5 is better than my iPhone, just because it has a bigger screen. Or even that Google’s Ice Cream Sandwich is a more user-friendly operating system than Apple’s iOS! But was Android designed by Steve Jobs, a universally loved and recognized super genius? I think not. I think people are a little cheap to not buy the best technology that money can buy. Samsung is just crappy Chinese technology.” (Editor’s note: Samsung is a South Korean company, not Chinese. And it’s not crappy.)

Martha Lanyard, 45, of Boston confessed: “I have to admit I’ve been very depressed about the lack of a new Apple product. It’s been ages. Life seems sort of meaningless to me now. My doctor has upped all my meds, but nothing has helped. My iPhone 4S is getting discolored from use. I’m trying to hold out on replacing it until the next major upgrade, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait!”

“For God’s sake, Apple! Spend some of that $140 billion you have in the bank and make something! We’re dying here. We’ll all on the brink. What I’m really waiting for them to make is a better, Apple version of myself, probably as a robot. I’d call it the iMe.”


 Read the rest of the story at The Satirist http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Apple_Product_Release.html  

Support the Troops: US Troops to Be Quartered in Private Homes

 

By Dan Geddes, The Satirist

WASHINGTON - The Obama Administration announced today its new policy of quartering US troops and domestic security agents in private residences "for the safety of the people in these dangerous times."

Known as "Support the Troops," President Obama himself announced the new Executive Order.

"Let me be clear. This is a time of great national danger. The most effective way to stop another 9/11 or Newtown massacre before it starts is to move troops into private homes where they can protect the people right where they live."

"A large number of crimes are committed, planned and imagined in private residences every day. Why should we stand idly by while this happens? We must take pre-emptive action now, before it is too late."

Obama Administration spokesman Philip Frost provided more details: "The presence of troops and Stateside Security agents in private homes will deter people from crimes such as cheating on their taxes, illegally downloading videos, or planning to attend any future Occupy-style protests that may or may not occur."

Frost continued: "We would like to stress the voluntary nature of this program. When the US military and SWAT teams show up on your door requesting accommodation in full battle regalia, you may of course choose to opt out of the program."

Read the rest of the story at http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Support_the_Troops__20130401.html

Conservatives and Liberals Still Convinced They Can Convert Each Other

 

By Dan Geddes

WASHINGTON  -  A new poll of 1,000 American adults reveals that both conservatives and liberals believe it is possible to "convert" other people to change their political orientation.

The recent Gallmausen poll found that more than 63% of Americans believe that they can convince other people to adopt their position through such rhetorical tactics as shouting at them, incessantly repeating themselves, and vicious name-calling.

One conservative, Joe, 45, commented on the poll: "Yeah, it's possible that some libtards are redeemable, if you dig deep enough. I mean, I know they're mostly thick-headed idiots, but even dogs understand things if you repeat it enough times. So there must be hope for these liberal wingnuts, God willing."

Joe continued: "And personally, I think that they secretly find it funny when we call them libtards. It's like 'liberal' and 'retard' combined. Libtard. Hilarious! How can you argue with that?"

An average liberal, Suzie, 34, also reacted to the poll: "Despite their general lack of education, I still hope that if conservatives could just comprehend my message of strident idealism, hipper-than-thou cultural references and utter disdain for their ridiculous religious beliefs, then they would be converted to the progressive cause. They would finally see the light and drop their troglodytic homophobia and 18th century gun fetish."

While many political pundits lament the appalling decline in American political discourse during the past thirty years, it is reassuring that so many Americans still believe political discussion is worthwhile.

Read the rest at http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Conservatives_Liberals__20130329.html

"Drones May Not Attack Banks" says new US Drone Czar

Drones May Not Attack Banks, says new US Drone Czar. Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.

Book Giveaway For The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book (vol. 1)

See http://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/45786-the-satirist-america-s-most-critical-book

Goodreads Book Giveaway

The Satirist

by Dan Geddes

Giveaway ends March 22, 2013.
See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

Zed Rigby, Computer Game Enthusiast, Mourned on Facebook, Twitter

Zed Rigby, 65, a life-long computer game enthusiast, died in his home in Toledo, Ohio last Monday.

Mr. Rigby leaves behind no family or actual friends, but a number of his virtual friends are now engaged in virtual grieving.

Gérard Depardieu moves to Antarctica as New Russian Wealth Tax Takes Effect

French actor Gérard Depardieu, who only recently moved to Russia, has moved to Antarctica. Depardieu is now a resident of Adélie Land, a province of Antarctica long claimed by France, where the effective income tax rate approaches 0%.

See http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Depardieu_Antartica__20130223.html

The Satirist - America's Most Critical Book

The Satirist - America's Most Critical Book By Dan Geddes The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book (Vol. 1) (paperback)

You have never read a book like this!

The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book

The Satirist is an encyclopedic collection of satires, and criticism of imaginary works: books, films, paintings, music. The style is a mix of the high and the low, everything from critiques of imaginary French philosophy to just-for-fun news in the style of American satire such as The Onion or Saturday Night Live.

 Author/comedian Paul Krassner, wrote of The Satirist:

The more blandness and repression there is in any society, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that blandness and repression. The Satirist serves such a purpose with imagination and style.

Satirical targets include US politicians, Hollywood movies, hypocrisy, artistic pretension, and many others:

 Did a great French philosopher, Claude Roger, produce his massive volumes by plagiarizing from his own students?

Was the Soviet dissident Maxim Sazonov the greatest of all Russian poets? Or just a total idiot? Discover Claire Hoyt, "Shrink to the Stars," the psychologist who created the “Inner Victim” movement.

Read reviews of the movies of Jake Steiger, one of the most successful Hollywood directors of the 1990s.

 58 pieces written in diverse genres in 180 (hopefully) laugh-filled pages!

Illustrations by Fred Schellart!

Buy The Satirist, Volume 1 from Amazon.com