Fan Donations to the National Football League on the Rise

http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Donations_to_the_NFL_on_the_Rise.html 

14 March 2014

NEW YORK – Many American football fans may not realize that the National Football League (NFL) is not a corporation, but a tax-exempt organization.

But recently some real die-hard fans have been donating money to their beloved NFL, even though their donations are not tax-deductible.

“Football is my life,” says Wayne Smetsky of Green Bay, Wisconsin, who recently donated $500 to the NFL. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve watched football every Sunday. Watching football has brought me so many hours of happiness that I’m happy to give a little bit back to the league. Hell, they just gave me a raise to $9.50 an hour at my security guard job. And my parents don’t make me pay any rent to sleep in their basement, so I’m happy to share my good fortune and do my part to keep the NFL afloat.”

Greg Samsor of Washington, DC agrees. “My life would be totally meaningless without football. Sometimes I worry that some stupid head trauma class action suit will bankrupt the NFL. We GOT to keep the NFL going, so I’m willing to do my part.” Samsor donated $1,500 from his $5,000 savings account.

NFL spokesman John Manley admitted: “While the NFL is a tax-exempt organization, it is not a charity. We do not solicit donations. It is true that some fans have donated money to the league in recent years. The NFL promotes the great game of football! Our tax-exempt status allows us to pay the NFL Commissioner his well-deserved $30 million salary and meet other legitimate league expenses. If the NFL had to pay taxes, that would obviously hinder our ability to recruit top executive talent, such as the current Commissioner, who works very hard. This would impede our activities in promoting the great game of football.”

“I know that football players, coaches and owners make pretty good money,” said Sandy Fields, of Wichita, Kansas. “But I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross. With the NFL, I can clearly see where my money is going. Football defines what America is today, so it’s worth every penny. What has the Red Cross done lately? I haven’t seen them around much.”

Todd Swanson of Boston agrees: “While the few Americans who are not football fans may find donating to the League strange, the average American is actually grateful for all that the NFL has done for us. The NFL plays an important role in keeping people’s minds off the financial crisis and all of the wars in the Middle East.”

According to NFL spokesman Manley, the NFL has also kept up-to-date with the security requirements of America’s favorite sport.

“The NFL is also leading the way in welcoming the courageous officers of the TSA, as well as their universally-loved body scanner technology, into all its stadiums in the near future. Soon football fans of all ages can enjoy being scanned and have a moment of intimate physical contact as they enter to stadium to watch America’s favorite contact sport.”

“It’s reassuring to know that fans can watch NFL action without any fear that the boogie man or anyone else will jump out and get them. God bless America! And God bless the NFL!” concluded spokesman Manley.

Dan Geddes

Davos Billionaires “Underappreciated by the 99.999%”

http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Davos_Billionaires_Underappreciated_by_99.html 

 

31 January 2014

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND – The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually “unappreciated servants of humanity.”

“People don’t realize how difficult it is to gather in an isolated Swiss resort and reshape the world in our own image,” said Jean Godot of the Bank of International Settlements in Basel.

“If only the billions of starving, illiterate people in this world would send their ideas to us, we would seriously consider their suggestions from the comfort of our palatial Swiss mountain fortress. We genuinely wish to use our wealth and positions of influence to build a more just and equitable world.”

“It’s such a pity that the billions of low-income people around the world have difficulty articulating their needs with one voice,” lamented Godot. “We find it difficult to determine exactly how he could them.”

The agenda for this year’s WEF conference is "The Reshaping of the World: Consequences for Society, Politics and Business."

“We are trying our very best to redistribute wealth to the lower classes,” said Franz Gruber of the Bundesbank. “However, it remains difficult. Many individuals from the so-called ‘unwashed masses’ are very poor money managers. They buy lottery tickets. They eat processed foods laced with chemicals that make sick. They believe in stock tips that they see on television. They allow unscrupulous bankers to manage their pensions. So it’s almost impossible to lift them from their lowly station.”

“Yet we retain a genuine love for this so-called ‘couch potato’ class,” said Gruber. “They remain the backbone of our globalized labor force. We still find their services to be useful. Robots will not be able to replace them for another fifteen years or so. So they still have a voice.”

Davos attendees enjoyed the rare opportunity to dine on the last known specimens of a rare species of Austrian pheasant. Vegan attendees were offered virgin Mariana trench seaweed marinated in a 3D-printed truffle sauce. Others drank from a $75,000 bottle of 1938 Château Lafite Rothschild, documented to have been stored in Stalin’s private wine cellar during the 1945 Yalta Conference. 

Read more at http://www.thesatirist.com/news/Davos_Billionaires_Underappreciated_by_99.html